The Adventures of Ron Weasly
by apple stroodle
Summary: Ron and Co. Jumping out of windows? Misssing pyjamas ? And a Squiffy-Hump-Schnoogle? The Big Bad Hiccups? An always Repeated catch-phrase? Breaking Voices? Whoopsy Daisies? Dissapearing Boybands? An encouraging thought before you read this: Things can on
1. part 1 Ron and the Missing Pyjamas

The Adventures of  
  
Ron Weasly  
  
Chapter 1 Ron and the Missing Pyjamas  
  
One Day Ron Weasly woke up feeling cold. His pyjamas were missing.  
  
'Harry wake up!' he shouted.'I'm bare!'  
  
'I can see that.' Harry answered.  
  
'Were are my pyjamas?' Ron yelled. 'I must find them or they shall be lost.'  
  
***  
  
The whole school turned as Ron Weasly hurteled into the Great Hall totally naked.  
  
'WHERE ARE MY PYJAMAS?'  
  
'Ron's finally cracked.' Forge whispered to Gred.  
  
'I NEED MY PYJAMAS!' Ron shouted. 'I HAVE LOST THEM !!!'  
  
'WE CAN SEE!!!' Roared the rest of the school.  
  
'GIVE ME MY PYJAMAS!' Ron screamed.  
  
'WE AIN'T GOT THEM!!!' Yelled the school.  
  
'NEITHER HAVE I!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'  
  
'WE CAN SEE!!!!!!'  
  
'WHERE ARE THEY?'  
  
'I KNOW!' Hermione shouted. 'WE CAN LOOK IN HOGWARTS; A HISTORY!!!!!'  
  
'LOOK IN WHAT??' asked the school.  
  
'Don't you read?' Hermione said.  
  
'NO!!'  
  
Just then Harry entered also wearing nothing.  
  
'Ron. My pyjamas have gone to!' he shouted before he was mobbed by 400 screaming fans.  
  
Ron started crying. 'It's not f-fair.' He quibbled. ' The first time I get my own original story, Harry comes and pinches it. But oh no it doesn't matter because he's the star, I'm just the side kick. I'm not important. AND I STILL haven't got my pyjamas.!!!!!!!!'  
  
A shout echoed around the Hall. 'I KNOW VERE ZEY ARE!!!!'  
  
Screamed Fleur. 'I KNOW 'OO 'AS THEM!! EES VAS VOLDEMORTIE!!!!!!!'  
  
'What did she say?' someone asked.  
  
'Dunno. I don't speak french.' Someone else said.  
  
'I KNOW WHAT SHE SAID!' Yelled Hermione. ' SOME GUY CALLED VOLDEMORTIE HAS RON'S PJ'S!'  
  
'OH MY GOD! I MUST SAVE THEM!' shouted Ron. ' BUT WAIT! WHO IS VOLDEMORTIE? HARRY DO YOU KNOW?'  
  
'Rings a bell but no, sorry.' Said Harry.  
  
'Then we are doomed. Alas. Let us sit on the floor and tell sad stories.'  
  
They were about to do this when they realised they had no sad stories. So instead they set off to find Voldemortie and the pyjamas, equipped with some essentials; A wand, a copy of Hogwarts;a History, some chocolate and clean underwear.  
  
***  
  
Our heros wandered for many days and nights until they met a tall dark stranger.  
  
'OI! TALL DARK STRANGER! Do you know who Voldemortie is?' Ron shouted.  
  
'No' said the tall dark stranger. 'But I am Voldemort!'  
  
'*gasp* Voldemortie!!!!!!!!!!' said everyone.  
  
'Dunno where you got the ie from. I am VOLDEMORT!'  
  
'GIVE ME MY PJS!!!' Ron shouted. H e reached into his pocket (no he isn't still naked:( ) and pulled out his wand. 'Killius!' He shouted. And...........  
  
...............  
  
.............  
  
...........oooh I love cliff hangers  
  
............... nothing happened. Ron looked at his wand.  
  
'Alas.'He said. 'Y-fronts!'  
  
But Volde was shrinking. 'Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! Not the knickers. Please!!!!!!!!!!'  
  
Poof. Voldemort dissapeared. On the ground lay a pile of blue and white stripes. Ron picked them up. ' Look Harry, it's my pyjamas!!!!!!' And he put them on. (Without bothering to get undressed first :( )  
  
***  
  
From that day onward Wednesday the 14th January was known  
  
as Pyjama Day. Even though Ron really found his pyjamas in september, but no one liked to mention this. And everyone sang Bananas in pyjamas.  
  
A/n ok so it was a little insane. But at least ron got his pj's back  
  
All of the above that u recognise is Jk's. ron's pj's are his. ( and he can keep them) the idea is mine. hogwarts ; a history and the catch phrase that goes with it is hermiones  
  
Now you see that button below. Click on it and you can write a review. Nice hmmmm? To be honest I can't see why you'd want to. Just to keep Ron happy? If you don't I'll write more. I mean it. There that's done it. 


	2. part 2 Looking for the Action

Part 2 Looking for the Action  
  
  
  
Ron was bored. Fame was nice and being serenaded with 'Bananas in Pyjamas' was OK. But it wasn't very exciting.  
  
'I'm bored Harry.' Said Ron.  
  
'So am I.' Said Harry. 'Cho's decided to be a nun.'  
  
So our heros went looking for some action. Weeks passed and the only action was Crookshanks getting stuck on a broostick. Things were getting destinctly boring.  
  
***  
  
One morning however Ron awoke to the sound of screaming. He immeadeatly took his courage in both hands . and dived under his bed.  
  
Suddenly Harry burst in yelling 'Ron! Ron! IT'S THE SQUIFFY-HUMP-SCHNOOGLE! IT WILL KILL US ALL!!!!!!!!!'  
  
'What shall we do?' Hermione asked. ' If we stay here the Squiffy-humpy- hyphon-whatsit will get us!!!! LET'S LOOK IN HOGWARTS; A HISTORY!!!!!'  
  
'Let's jump out if the window.' Harry suggested. And before Ron could say 'gravity' they had made strawberry jam on the path.  
  
Ron let himself out by a DOOR. As any normal and sensible person would. The house-elves had started cleaning upthe remains of Harry and Hermione. Ron was happy. He had found some action. Lost two friends in the process but he had found his action.  
  
RON WAS GOING TO KILL THE SQUIFFY-HUMP-SCHNOOGLE!!!!.  
  
***  
  
First he travelled to the Cave of Nowwhatwasit'snameagain, to find the wonerdous genie, whoose powers would only last if she never cut her hair. The cave was empty, but there was a note outside saying :  
  
Gone out  
  
For hair-cut  
  
Back soon  
  
***  
  
So our intrepid hero started the trek to the Cave of It'ssoverysecreteveryoneknowswhereitis. On the way he met Draco Malfoy walking hand in hand with Fleur.  
  
'Noooooooooooooooo!' yelled Ron. 'She's mine!!'  
  
'Mine' yelled Draco.  
  
'MINE'  
  
'MINE!!!!!'  
  
'MINE!'  
  
'MINE ALL MINE'  
  
'EXCUSE MOI!!!' Fleur had gone pink. 'Pardonne moi Ron but I 'ave always prefere le blondes.'  
  
***  
  
Ron finnall reached the Cave of It'ssoverysecreteveryoneknowswhereitis. In the cave were a lot of hostile sex-starved monkeys. Ron left very quickly.  
  
Instead he travelled to the Cave of ThisiswherethSquiffy-hump- Schnooglelives. The cave was very dark and Ron suddenly remembered that he didn't know what the Squiffy-Hump-Schnoogle looked like. He also remembered that he didn't want to hang about and find out.  
  
So he turned round and went home. 


	3. part 3 Ron and the Big Bad Hiccups

Part 3 Ron and the Big Bad Hiccups  
  
  
  
Ron woke up with a jerk. (I mean he woke up suddenly not the other kind of jerk).  
  
'Morning Ron!' said Harry.  
  
'Hh-up!' said Ron.  
  
'Sorry?'  
  
'Hh- up!'  
  
'Ron are you ok?'  
  
'Hgh-UP!'  
  
'Ron this is terrible!!! You have the Big Bad Hiccups!!!'  
  
'Hh-up !!'  
  
'Hermione!' Harry yelled. 'Ron has the Big Bad Hiccups.'  
  
'Hh-up!' Ron added.  
  
'I know!' said Hermione. 'Let's look in Hogwarts; a History.'  
  
'Ok. But don't let's jump out of the window like last time.' Said Harry.  
  
'Hh-up!' said Ron sadly.  
  
'There there, Ron we will help you!' Hermione cried. She hugged him.  
  
'Hh-up-up' said Ron gratefully.  
  
'Yeah.' Said Harry. 'We'll help. What shall we do Herm?'  
  
'Hermione went green.  
  
'HH-UP!' she said.  
  
'NOOOOOOO!' Harry shouted.'Now you have it too!!! OH NO!!'  
  
'Hh-up!'  
  
'Hh-up!'  
  
'Hhg-up hhup?'  
  
'Hh-up h-hp!'  
  
'Hupple-UP!'  
  
'Arrgh!' Harry yelled and jumped out of the window. (have we been here before?)  
  
Ron and Hermione were good sensible little bunnies so they sang praises to the Great God of Hiccups - Glassofwater:  
  
Ode to  
  
GLASSOFWATER  
  
Glassofwater is great  
  
And very Ornate  
  
And even more so  
  
Wonderful.  
  
She can cure coughs  
  
And colds and sneezes  
  
Sore throats, hiccups.  
  
They break to dust be for her  
  
And then they go  
  
Away.  
  
Hooray.  
  
And lo they (and Harry) were cured.  
  
A/n what do you think.  
  
This chapter is dedicated to and based on my friend Lucy Robinson. On the saintly day that this story was written she suffered from no less than 4 attacks of The Big Bad Hiccups. Lucy this one is for you.  
  
r/n (rons note)  
  
Hi people  
  
Hey this is so cool. My own Adventure Series. I'd like to thank my Mummy and my Daddy and my make up artist and the film crew-hi guys!-  
  
And my fans.  
  
A/n Ron what fans?  
  
R/n these fans  
  
A/n ron there are no fans  
  
R/n yes there are. Can't you see them. theres one there one there one there and one there and one there and one there and one there and one there and one there and one there and one there and one there and one there and one there and one there and one there and one there and one there and one there and one there and one there and one there and one there and one there and one there and one there and one there and one there and one there and one there and one there and one there and one there and one there...  
  
A/n shut up Ron 


	4. part 3 Ron and the Whoopsy Daisies

Part 4 Ron and the Whoopsy Daisies  
  
  
  
Proffesor McGonagall was sitting in her bath singing the Barney Song. 'I like Snape. Snape likes me. We're a happy family.' Then she got out of her bath and jumped about on a pogo-stick.  
  
Ron entered and said 'Proffesor! You have the Whoopsy Daisies! This is serious!' Proffesor McGonagall screamed and fainted.  
  
***  
  
Two weeks later everyone except ten Gryfinndors were in the Hospital Wing. Each had a severe case of Whoopsy Daisies.  
  
The symptoms were:  
  
Seeing pink spots.  
  
Singing out of tune.  
  
Singing about liking Snape. (Also a sign of madness.)  
  
Going everywhere on a pogo stick.  
  
Eating cabbage. (Also a sign of backwardness)  
  
Harry was recovering from a broken leg (he had been jumping out of the windows AGAIN) and two broken arms. As he was in no fit state to do any homework all his work was passed to Ron to do. And because Ron was so amazingly brilliantly STUPID, Harry's grades were better than ever.  
  
But this has nothing to do with anything, so ON VIZ ZE FIC.  
  
***  
  
Everyone was careful not to get Whoopsy Daisies. People had brought charms, garlic and crosses even though you can't ward off an illness. No one was aloud in or out of Hogwarts. This caused a lot of consusion as none of the students new where to go.  
  
It was in this moment of need that Ron decided to...  
  
FIND A CURE FOR WHOOPSY DAISIES!!!!!!!!!  
  
***  
  
A few days later Ron, Hermione and Harry were clustered round a cauldron. Ron stuck a pin in a clay figure and dropped it in.  
  
'Hey, Ron.' Said Hermione. 'That doll looked just like-'  
  
Just then Harry gave a moan and jumped out of the window.  
  
'OH MY GOD RON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU VOO-DOOD HARRY!!!!!' screamed Hermione.  
  
'So I did.' Siad Ron. Peering down at Harry on the path below. 'What a pity.'  
  
'RON!!!'  
  
'Sorry.' He added softly. 'She better watch it or I'll do her next.'  
  
***  
  
A week later Ron had not found a cure. Now there was only him and Hermione left.  
  
'I know!' said Hermione. 'Let's look in Hogwarts: a History! Easy! Why didn't you think of it?'  
  
'I did.' Said Ron.'But I didn't want to steal your catch-phrase.'  
  
'Awwwww! Ronnie! That's so sweet of you!'  
  
'Well.' Ron blushed. 'I'm only human. It was nothing.'  
  
'It was EVERYTHING!!!!!!!' Hermione squeaked, And she leapt into Ron's arms and tried to kiss him.  
  
Ron staggered slightly under her weight. 'Later, hun. I got things to do.' He dropped her. And went off to find a copy of Hogwarts: a History.  
  
As he flicked through the pages looking for a chapter on Whoopsy Daisies a light flicked on inside his head. He did not need to look up the cure. He knew what it was. CHOCOLATE!!  
  
Everyone in the Hospital wing was force fed chocolate untill they were cured, happy, content and overweight.  
  
A/n 4th chapter completed. Do you want more. Well there are some strange people in the world today.  
  
R/n hi it's me again- ron (in case you couldn't geuss)  
  
Apple stroodle has given me a job! Yay! I am a disclaimer! Joy! Rapture!  
  
I'm over whelmed! Right here goes ..  
  
Me, Herm and Harry (sorry about the voo-doo) are jk's oh and so is Proffs. McGonagall and Snape.  
  
The cauldron is mine.  
  
The window Harry jumped out of was in our dorm.  
  
The pogo stick and the bath are Proff. McGonagall.  
  
But they won't be for long. Hermione has got her beady little eyes on the pogo stick. I saw her to day trying to break into McGonagall's bedroom. She was saying something like 'It will be mine. Oh yes. It will be mine.' That girl scares me sometimes.  
  
Bye ~ RON 


	5. part 5 Ron and the Broken Voice

Part 5 Ron and the Broken Voice  
  
  
  
One day Ron was talking to Harry when his voice rose to an alarming falsetto then sunk to a deep base  
  
'Wow! Ron!' said Harry. 'Your voice just broke!'  
  
Ron had never been taught the 'Facts of Life.' Or about puberty. He wondered what it meant. 'Is it good?'  
  
'Well sort of. perhaps. maybe. no.'  
  
'Has your voice broken?'  
  
'No.'  
  
'Harry?'  
  
'Yes?'  
  
'Why do voices break?'  
  
'Dunno.'  
  
Ron digested this important information. Then he said, 'Harry?'  
  
'Yes?'  
  
'Has Hermione's voice broken?'  
  
'No. Girls voices don't break.'  
  
Again Ron pondered Harry's answer. 'Why?'  
  
'How should I know?'  
  
And so they set off to solve the mystery in the Library.  
  
***  
  
Ron and Harry returned to Gryffindor equipped with plenty of books about puberty and voices. They sat pouring over the books. Hermione came to help.  
  
'Let's look in Hogwarts: a History.'  
  
'I have a feeling.' Said Harry. 'That now Herm has said that we must be coming to the part of the fic where I jump out of the window. Bye!' and he jumped out of the window.  
  
'Strange.' Said Ron, tapping his head. 'Hey if Harry has jumped out of his window, we must be near the end of the story.'  
  
'No.' said Hermione. 'We've only done two pages of apple stroodles note book.'  
  
'Shame. I'm getting bored with this story.'  
  
'Same.'  
  
'Shall we just end it here?'  
  
'OK.'  
  
  
  
A/n If any one wants to finish it (and your quite welcome to) please write a review with your e-mail address and I shall try to get back to you. Now it's over to Ron for the disclaimer.  
  
R/n /D/n Hi peeps  
  
Me again  
  
I'm back by popular request  
  
A/n sorry. did you say POPULAR REQUEST Ron?  
  
R/n ok. I'll re-phrase that. I'm back by UN-popular request. Didn't think you could stop me that easily did you? Bwahahahahaha!  
  
Ok Me, Harry, Hermione, Gryffindor, Hogwarts and the Library belong to JK - there, there little fan fic author, don't cry.- the window is Harry's, so technically it's JK's too and the books belong to the Library so that is also JK's.  
  
A/n *sniff*  
  
R/n Awww she's all upset now. Pass the Kleenex someone. Cheer up chuck. The plot is still yours. Look I know you want me all to yourself but so do a thousand other women.  
  
A/n In your dreams mate.  
  
R/n No need to get personal. 


	6. part 6 Dude! Where's my Broomstick!

Part 6 Dude! Where's my Broomstick?  
  
Harry was going to play in a Quidditch match against Slytherin one afternoon. At breakfast however, he had been acting quite strangely.  
  
Firstly, he had got on to a table and done a Bugs-Bunny impression.  
  
Then he had kissed Snape and said 'I love you Lord Voldemort. I want to have your babies.'  
  
Next he had thrown himself head-first into a plate of champagne trifle and refused to come out.  
  
Now he had disappeared altogether  
  
'It's probably pre-match nerves.' Said Hermione. 'We'll go and look for him after breakfast.'  
  
***  
  
They searched through the castle and grounds, but Harry was nowhere to be found.  
  
They were returning to the castle for the fourth time when Ron stopped and pointed at something on the ground. 'Look.' He said. The very messy remains of Harry Potter lay on the ground underneath the Astronomy Tower.  
  
'Ah,' said Hermione.  
  
'What a pity.' Said Ron.  
  
'Oh dear.' Said Hermione.  
  
'Oops.' Said Ron.  
  
'Never mind.' Said Hermione. 'He had a good life while it lasted.'  
  
'Yes. So unfortunate it should happen when he was about to play for the House Cup.'  
  
'I always said that jumping out of windows was bad for him. He… - Wait a minute, did you say play for the House Cup?'  
  
'Yup.'  
  
'That's terrible! We must find a replacement.'  
  
'I'll replace him.'  
  
'You? Sorry Ron but, honestly, you couldn't steer a broom out of a paper bag.'  
  
'I could beat Harry any day, on one condition.'  
  
'What's that?'  
  
'If I have his broomstick.'  
  
'Ok, you get the broomstick and you can try to beat Harry.'  
  
'Fine. See you at the game.'  
  
***  
  
Ron was having a little bit of trouble. Harry's Firebolt was locked in his trunk and no matter how much Ron tried, he couldn't get it out.  
  
'Alohomora!' he said crossly. Nothing happened. 'Alohomora! I said Alohomora! ALOHOMORA!! Damn you.'  
  
Ron kicked the trunk. This caused him to sit down heavily. But soon he was up and shouting furiously at the trunk. 'YOU STUPID TRUNK!!!! WHY CAN'T YOU OPEN?!! OPEN!!! I'LL CURSE YOU!!! YOU GOOD-FOR-NOTHING, USELESS, STUPID, GORMLESS, ANNOYING TRUNK!! YOU HURT ME ON PURPOSE!!! ADMIT IT!!! YOU DID IT!!!! WELL I'VE HAD ENOUGH!!! I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU A DAMN GOOD THRASHING!!!'  
  
Ron raised his wand and hit the trunk. The wand broke. 'YOU STUPID WAND!' yelled Ron. 'YOU USELESS, STINKING PIECE OF DOGGY-DOO! YOU BROKE ON PURPOSE! OH YES YOU DID! DON'T DENY IT. I SAW YOU!'  
  
***  
  
An hour later Hermione came in to find Ron throwing both trunk and wand around the room. 'Having trouble?' she asked. Ron told her to do something that should not be repeated. 'Honestly,' said Hermione.' We might as well give up. If you can't even get the broomstick out of the box, you don't stand a chance against Slytherin. Why don't you look in Hogwarts: a History?'  
  
'Will that tell me how to open Harry's trunk?' said Ron doubtfully.  
  
'No.' said Hermione.' It's just I have to say that in every story. "I read about it in Hogwarts; a History" " Haven't you read Hogwarts; a History?" "Why haven't you read Hogwarts; a History?" " Let's look in Hogwarts; a History". You name it, fanfic authors will make me say it. I read about it in Hogwarts; a History. Thes Aurus.'  
  
Harry's trunk opened. 'Pardon?' asked Ron.  
  
'It's the password.' Said Hermione. ' I thought I might as well come and help you otherwise you wouldn't play at all. Which wouldn' t be a bad thing.'  
  
Ron thanked Hermione, pulled on Harry's Quidditch robes and zoomed out of the window. He was half way to the Quidditch pitch when he looked down. The ground seemed a long way away. Ron was scared of heights. The broom went into a nose dive. Ron yelled and pulled the handle up. The firebolt shot off at an alarming rate - in to the side of the Quidditch pitch.  
  
***  
  
A few minuets into the game, Ron was sitting bolt upright on his broomstick eying the ground nervously. He was moving at 3 miles per hour. He was also so close to the ground his feet kept on skimming the pitch.  
  
Suddenly a bludger apeared on the attack. It zoomed towards Ron, who panicked. He proceeded to move the broom in three directions at once: up, left and backwards. This had a very interesting affect on Ron, who in a moment of panic, let go of the broom altogether, slipped of the end and landed safely a few feet below on Malfoy's Nimbus.  
  
The sudden transference of weight on to the end of the broom caused the front to shoot upwards, catapaulting Malfoy skywards. Ron was to busy screaming to notice. In an effort to escape he flung himself off the broom and hurtled towards the crowd.  
  
' OOOOOOOO!!!!' said the crowd.  
  
'AHHHHHHHHHH!!!' said Ron.  
  
The Golden Snitch was having a very boring game, so far nobody had even attempted to catch it and it felt slighted. Nobody loves me. It thought, nobody cares! I hate them all! I hate my life! Who wants to be a Snitch?  
  
With these unhappy thoughts, the Golden Snitch decided to commit suicied. When Ron fell it hovered under him, hoping to be squashed when Ron landed on it. Ron plumeted to the ground and trapped the Snitch under him.  
  
Somewhere above him Madame Hoochs' wistle sounded signaling the end of the game. She had decided this was the nearest anyone would get to catching the snitch and as Malfoy was no longer able to play, Gryffindor would win anyway.  
  
  
  
  
  
A/n: Any Harry lovers don't worry, Harry will be back!  
  
Disclaimer: any harry potter things belong to JK. The title is a very weak pun on 'Dude! Where's my car!' which is by I-Don't-Know-Who. 


	7. part 7 Ron and the Purple Acne

Part 7 Ron and the Purple Acne  
  
One day Ronald Weasly woke up to find that he had turned purple. He jumped out of bed and stubbed his toe on the floor. When he had finished hopping around the room looking for his slippers he shouted at Harry.  
  
'HELP!' he shouted. 'I'm purple!'  
  
'I know,' said Harry. 'I've been watching you for the past 1/2 hour.'  
  
'What shall I do?' asked Ron.  
  
'You could jump out the window.' Suggested Harry. To demonstrate how this was done, he proceeded to jump out himself.  
  
***  
  
Ron dashed into the girls dormitories, looking for Hermione. Unfortunately, he walked in on the girls changing. Several girls screamed 'A BOY!!!' and dived out of the window to join Harry on the path below. Hermione hid in a cupboard and refused to come out unless Ron shut his eyes. Ron didn't shut his eyes, but she came out anyway because she was hungry.  
  
'My god! Ron!' she said. 'You're purple!'  
  
'I have noticed.' Said Ron.  
  
'You must have Purple Acne!' she said. 'It is a rare disease caused by eating too much chocolate.'  
  
Ron pointed out that he hadn't eaten any chocolate for the past month as he'd been on a diet. Eventually Hermione concluded that SOMETHING had caused Rons Purple Acne, which seemed to cover everything.  
  
'The question is,' said Ron. 'How shall I cure it?'  
  
'You could look in Hogwarts; a History!'  
  
'I knew you'd say that.'  
  
'Then why did you ask?'  
  
'Because you're clever.'  
  
'I can't be very clever if I can only think of one answer to everything.'  
  
'Yes, you could.'  
  
'No, I couldn't!'  
  
'Could!'  
  
'Don't argue with me! I'm cleverer then you!'  
  
'Exactly! You are clever so I ask you questions.'  
  
'But if you already know the answer…'  
  
'ACK!' shouted Ron in frustration.  
  
***  
  
As usual in this story, Ron and Hermione ended up in the Library reading Hogwarts; a History. Not surprisingly they didn't find anything. Hermione suggested they looked in 'Purple Acne; a History' but when they asked Madame Pince, she looked at them as if they were mad, so instead they went back to the girls dormitories. Hermione fetched her skin care products and they put them on Ron's face.  
  
Ron tried: 7 face masks, 2 bottles of Clean and Clear, 4 tubes of Clearasil, 19 Spot-off facial wipes and a king-size bottle of Zit-Blitz. His face remained as purple as a very purple thing.  
  
'We could use foundation,' said Hermione.' That might hide some of the purple-ness.'  
  
It took 4 bottles of liquid foundation and some loose powder to even begin to make a change. Ron was looking like Frankenstein's Monster, with a hint of purple. It wouldn't have been quite so bad if Ron hadn't got red hair, as Hermione pointed out. So they dyed it purple too.  
  
It was MEANT to go purple, except Hermione failed to read the packet, which clearly stated that the dye should only be used on blonde hair. Ron's hair turned an icky browny green which no amount of washing could remove.  
  
It was in this hour of need that Ron remembered something very important.  
  
'Hermione,' he said. 'We are wizards, we can use magic to cure me!' So saying, he whipped out his wand and pointed it at his face, he said the first spell that came into his head. 'ENGORGIO!!!' he yelled. In minuets Ron's head had swollen to the size of a tractor wheel. He had said the Growth Charm.  
  
'RON!!!' screamed Hermione. 'RON! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!!!!!'  
  
'Something wrong.' Said Ron.  
  
'YOU LOOK AWFUL!!' screamed Hermione.  
  
'I had realised. Can you help me?'  
  
'I'll try.' Said Hermione, promtly forgetting the counter spell. Just then Harry climbed up the drainpipe, through the window, said the counter spell and jumped out the window again. Rons head shrank again. And-  
  
'RON LOOK!' shouted Hermione. 'Your not purple any more!!!'  
  
  
  
A/n That was very strange. Possibly the strangest yet. I have had enough of Ron fighting un-life threatening diseases. Next chapter, I think he shall kill a monster. Or meet an Exciting Person, Elijah Wood, for example. Please write a review and tell me what you think.  
  
Disclaimer: I only own the plot. All other things belong to other people. 


	8. part 8 The Hobbit the Elf and the Weasly

Part 8 The Hobbit, the Elf and the Weasly

STARRING RON WEASLY AS HIMSELF

Are You Sitting Comfortably? Then I'll Begin….

One day a large poster appeared in the Entrance Hall:

**'ORLI AND THE HOBBITS**

Middle Earth's First Boy Band

Performing this lunch hour

In Dungeon 11'

'We could actually MEET them!' gibbered Hermione.

'Oh WOW!' said Harry sarcastically.

'Can we go please!!!' squealed Hermione.

'Why?' asked Ron.

'Cos they're, like, my favourite group!' Hermione explained.

'And you fancy Orli.' Added Harry.

'And I fancy- NO I DON'T!!!' squeaked Hermione turning red.

'Oh Jesus!' Exclaimed Harry.

'Well, can we go???' asked Hermione. 'I'm DYING to see them.'

'Dying to see **coughorlicough' **corrected Harry.

'Ok, Hermione. We'll take you to your concert.' Said Ron, who secretly thought Sam was very fit.

That lunch, Dungeon 11 was packed full. Mostly there were screaming girls but there were a few boys. Then the big moment arrived… there was a puff of purple smoke and Orli and the Hobbits stepped out onto the stage.

Orli, the lead singer, went to the microphone and started to sing.

_'HARK! The Wooden leg is here!_

_She comes armed with folding chair!'_

The Hobbit's joined in with guitar (Merry), drums (Pippin), saxophone (Frodo) and… um, garden gnome (Sam). They all sung_ 'HARK!' _very loudly, very out of tune and a little behind Orli.

'_HARK! She stumbles through the Glass corridor!_

_HARK! She is a Dude of Gondor!'_

Hermione was bouncing around on her chair shrieking 'Ooooh!' and 'Aaaaah!' each time Orli made a sudden movement. Harry had already become so bored with the concert that he had tried to jump out of a window, except of course, you don't get windows in dungeons, and Ron was subtly trying to catch Sam's eye and not getting very far.

Merry played a very loud cord on his guitar and stepped forwards, slipped and landed face-first in the audience.

'Oooooooooooh!' said Hermione, as Orli attempted to pull the hobbit back on stage. Ron noticed her eyes were glazed over.

'Owch!' yelled Merry.

'Och aye!' shouted Pippin in a Very Glasweigen Accent. 'Yah pullin' his arm oot!'

_'HELP!' _squeaked Merry, who was now dangling half on and half off the stage, and was tangled up in Orli's arms. You may not think this was a very bad position to be in, but when you are only 3 foot tall, it can be very serious indeed.

'I'll help you!' yelled Ron, going into Super-hero mode. He dived towards the stage, arms outstretched. Unfortunately, he slipped and made a grab for the nearest thing to support himself. The nearest thing just happened to be Sam's trousers.

'OOOOOOOHH!!!' screamed Hermione, totally diverted from Orli for a second, while Sam did his best to cover himself with his garden gnome. Hermione wasn't the only one saying 'OOOOOOOHH!!!', quite a few were. And some Slytherins were saying 'Wehay!'

At that moment, Orli became aware that he had a hair out of place. He forgot all about poor Merry and let go of his arm.

'NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!' yelled Merry as he hurtled downwards.

'Oh no!' cried Frodo. 'He's fallen to his death!' All the hobbits, (including Merry,) proceeded to have simultaneous hysterics. Pippin was half way through sobbing into Sam's discarded trousers when he noticed something.

'Och! Are you no meant to be dead, hen?' he said.

But as Merry seemed very much alive, they helped him back on stage and continued with the concert.

'Now this next song,' said Orli. 'Is for a very special person.'

Several people shouted 'ME!!!'

'My fiancée, Asia.'

Dumbledore burst into tears. 'What does she have that I don't?' he wailed.

'There, there.' Said Snape, patting him on the head and trying not to cry himself.

At that moment, the author Apple Stroodle and her sidekick, Asia leapt into the story through a strategically placed plot hole. Asia grabbed Orli, pinned him to the floor and covered him in passionate smooches. Apple Stroodle seized Frodo and jumped back through the plot hole, which then disappeared. Orli and Asia were about to make their escape through said plot hole, when they discovered it was no longer there.

'AAH! What shall we do?' cried Asia. 'Where's the plot hole?'

'There it is!' yelled Orli pointing at a nearby window, (which Dumbledore had suddenly been purchased from the Hogwarts residential door-to-door-window salesman on a whim, and also so that the rest of the story will make sense. More sense than usual anyway. He might as well not have bothered). He dragged her to the window and they both leaped out.

'Hooray!!!!!' cried Lizzie, who had mysteriously apparated much to Hermione's discontent, (but you know, say the plot bunnies, screw Hermione. Not literally of course you filthy people). 'Now Ron is mine!'

"What shall we do?!!!!" screamed the crowd. "They took Orli and Frodo!"

Suddenly a bright spark pointed out a pointy point that was so sharp you could get a painful injury on it.

"I say!" said the Bright Spark. "You don't get windows in dungeons!"

And so Asia and Orli shot back through the wall where the window had been. However they didn't seem to mind this, and proceeded to treat the crowd to a display of tonsil tennis.

'BOOO! HISSSSSSSS!!!!!' said the crowd.

'Wow!' said Harry. 'PORN!'

'Ick' said Ron.

'WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!' screamed Hermione, throwing herself at Orli and trying to pull Asia off. Several other girls and Professor Snape followed her example. All attempts were in vain. Asia remained surgically attached to Orli's mouth. Eeew.

'HELP!' cried the audience. 'The show can't go on without Frodo and Orli!'

'Quick, Ron!' hissed Hermione. 'You're the hero of this story, you think of something!'

'Am I?' asked Ron, who had no idea he was in a story. But there you go, Hermione was cleverer than he was.

'Yes.' Said Hermione.

'Oh.' Said Ron. Then feeling he should say something else he said, 'What shall I do then?'

'Honestly.' Said Hermione.' Look in Hogwarts; a History.'

'I might have guessed.' Muttered Ron. 'Where can I find a copy of Hogwarts; a History?'

'Borrow mine,' said Hermione, handing him the book. Ron started searching under 'Disappearing Boybands'. Unfortunately, there is no chapter called 'Disappearing Boybands' so he couldn't use it, so he didn't; I just made that last bit up, haha.

Anyway, in the hour of need, Harry had an idea. 'Aha!' he said. 'I have an idea.'

'Oooooh!' said everyone. 'Do tell.'

'Me and Ron will be in the band!!' said Harry, as if this was obvious.

'Oh.' Said everyone, trying not to sound disappointed. This effect was slightly ruined by Professor Dumbledore and Professor Snape, who were sobbing on each other's shoulders.

'IT'S NOT FAIR!!' squealed Dumbledore. 'I WANT TO PLAY SAM'S GARDEN GNOME!!'

'There, there.' Quibbled Snape. 'I know just how you feel.'

Anyway, Ron and Harry got up on stage with the band. Harry picked up Frodo's discarded saxophone and Ron, being the hero, stepped over Asia and Orli, winked at Sam who blushed scarlet, and started to sing.

I say he started to sing but there was really a very long pause before he did sing. Ron had discovered stage fright. He had also discovered he couldn't sing and that he didn't know the words anyway, even if he could sing, which he couldn't.

'_Hermione!'_ he whispered._ 'What do I sing?'_

'Announce the song!' Hermione prompted.

'But I don't know what to sing!'

Hermione thought. This truly was A Fatal Flaw.

'Sing… Song of Songs!'

'Right.' Said Ron. 'This next song is called… um… Thong of Thongs.' He turned to Hermione, 'did I get that right?'

Hermione put her head in her hands.

Ron started singing. He didn't know the actual words to Song of Songs, so he thought he'd improvise.

'_My boomerang won't come back._

_They're coming to take me awaaaaaaaaaaaay Hahahahahaha'_

'I wish they would' said Dumbledore.

Ron then proceeded to do a dance, complete with high leg kicks. Unfortunately, he had forgotten about Orli and Asia, who where still removing each other's tonsils on the floor. Ron went flying as his foot connected with Orli's head. He went right across the stage, and ended up in Sam's arms.

'Well hel-_lo_ there' said Ron.

'NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!' shrieked Lizzie, who fell to her knees and proceeded to viciously prod Sam's overly large stomach.

At which point Ron noticed Lizzie's ravishing beauty, fell instantly in love and married her there and then.

'NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!' screamed Harry. 'RON!!!!!!!!!!!!' and, so saying he proceeded to dive out of the window, which had conveniently appeared again. This was, as you can by now probably tell, a very confused young window, not yet versed in worldly ways and, that it is as yet unsure who it is, what it is, what is it's purpose in life and how best to fulfil it, or even simply why the Boy Who Lived is soaring through it. '_God, look at yourself man'_ itmused_ 'Y'know you gotta stay off the crack.'_

'HAAAARRRRRRYYYYY!!!!!!!!' yelled Ron. 'COME BACK!!!!!'

And, as he had in fact jumped out of a window in a dungeon and was therefore unable to fall anywhere, Harry crawled back through the window which vanished for the last time. He and Ron kissed and made up, though not too much as Ron was now a happily married adolescent and everyone lived happy peaceful lives largely undisturbed until one day Apple Stroodle crawled back through the plot hole with Frodo and a slightly swollen midriff….

The End

for now anyway…

:::::A/n::::: I'm BACK!!!! THE STROODLE MIESTER HAS OFFICIALLY LANDED!  
Hope you enjoyed it and will you please welcome back Ron who will guide you through the disclaimer….

:::::R/n::::: At the request of my lovely wife I am now reinstated in my job, seeing as how, now me and Lizzie are married, we need the money for, well, y'know…

:::::A/n::::: I'm sorry, did you say money? So you want to be paid now you little scrounger? As if I haven't done enough for you already etc!!! (Raves faster then she can type and eventually implodes with effort)

:::::R/n::::: So, back to the disclaimer. She owns NOTHING in this story except the unborn Frodo junior and possibly Frodo himself, but I don't think we want to go into what happened in that plot hole do we???

:::::A/n::::: (from the floor, in quibbling pieces) SHUT IT NECKFACE!!!

:::::R/n::::: and that line is from Black Books, starring Dylan Moran and Bill Bailey, which is v. good

:::::A/n::::: GET BACK IN YOUR WORM!!!!

:::::R/n::::: As is that…

:::::Final note ::::: Should you happen to be an admirer of Orli, please, feel free to substitute your name for Asia's, and don't forget to enjoy the great feeling of well-being it gives you… Hasn't that just made your day…


End file.
